- "I like the dog. If he can’t eat it, or fuck it, he pisses on it. I can get behind that."
@shitmydadsays (Justin) – 120
- Just bought a little wedding chapel for my model train set. Someday I’ll get married there and SHUT UP MA YOU DON’T KNOW SHIT
@fireland (Joshua Allen) – 120
- Now hold on. Some guy had a flying saucer balloon or something?
Bear with me. You see, I’m employed.
@adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 107
- Schrödinger’s kids eventually stopped asking for new pets.
@sween (Jason Sweeney) – 91
- Nevermore? Man, that’s so raven.
@aedison (Avery Edison) – 90
- As soon as Wolf interviewed Falcon, the ‘balloon boy’ story turned into a Lakota Sioux legend.
@badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 83
- MY WIFE GOT ME PIE I HAVE THE BEST PIE I MEAN WIFE EVER
@sween (Jason Sweeney) – 76
- The worst part of wearing a cape is the toilet.
@thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 76
- For Halloween, I’m going as MJ and Roman Polanski in a saucer balloon made out of health care bills and Rod Blagojevich hair.
@badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 72
- Nobody ever asks if the baby wants to hold me.
@sween (Jason Sweeney) – 69
- "IT WAS HELL," recalled man who went to the bathroom and forgot his iPhone.
@Moltz (Moltz) – 67
- Pop-up windows are the Kanye West of interface.
@Mike_FTW (Mike Monteiro) – 65
- For Halloween I’m going as Twitter. One minute I’ll be in your face talking a mile-a-minute, the next I’ll be aloof and unavailable.
@joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 64
- Today, I broke one of my cardinal rules: Never trust a family with a helium-field experimental aircraft in the backyard.
@badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 63
- Don’t know what you’re staring at, kid. You’ve seen air guitar plenty of times before.
This is the same.
Only with bagpipes.
@sniffyjenkins (Justine Kilkerr) – 61
- Remember in Pulp Fiction when they open the briefcase and a light washes over them? That just happened to me when Karen lifted her shirt.
@Moltz (Moltz) – 60
- Everyone on this plane is perfectly quiet, but really unattractive. I brought noise-cancelling headphones, but no sight-cancelling glasses.
@adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 55
- I know it’s no problem. You rang up my orange juice. How could that be a fucking problem? The phrase is “You’re welcome.”
Sorry. Pet peeve.
@adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 53
- Every Halloween I eat so much candy that I hallucinate tiny monsters and superheroes at my door trying to trick me into giving them some.
@Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 52
- My cat has a booger that makes him honk while he breathes, my other cat is searching for the goose.
@baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 51